It takes all kinds.

Let's talk about passengers, shall we? 

 

 

 

There are a few distinct types of people I regularly see in the airports who I feel deserve mention. 

 

The "comfortable" traveler.

 

This one is amusing and nauseating at the same time.  This is the one who looks like they rolled out of bed, scratched their ass then went right to the airport.  These are usually the girls wearing sleepwear (this is ok if for children, questionable at best for adults), sweatpants with some ridiculous advertising across the butt, or even worse - wearing tights as pants.  There is NOT enough brain bleach in the world to erase of the ass and crotch I've seen over the last couple of years.  Ladies, I don't need to see your naughty bits as I am trapped behind you on the escalator and certainly not before the sun comes up.  STOP IT.  Really.

 

 

If you aren't sure if you are wearing pants or not, please reference the chart below.

 

 

 

Please let me be clear, I am no fashion model.  Most of the time I am in business casual wear or jeans and a t-shirt.  Not runway worthy but I won't traumatize anyone either.

 

Second to that would be the crop dusters.  I am still not sure if they are really comfortable or really nervous - they just break wind all over the place.  Normally, I think this is hysterical.  There is nothing like seeing someone's reaction to a good old fashioned fart,  that is until you are standing behind said crop duster in a jet way in the dead heat of summer and YOU are the one choking on the fumes.  Well played farty guy, well played.

 

 

 

The first timer.

 

Ahhh the first timer.  This is the one who will ask TSA what they need to remove and still forget to empty their pockets, neglect to take the laptop out of the bag or carry open top shopping bags as luggage.  They will sit next to you at the gate or on the plane and despite the fact you may have in headphones or be reading they will strike up a conversation and tell you their entire life story before you even get off the ground.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, I have met some really amazing people this way.  If I have helped keep someone calm just by listening to their story, so be it.

 

 

The self important douche bag.

 

Gah.  I see this one much more than I care to.  You know the guy, bum rushes the gate before the previous flight even finishes deplaning so he's sure to get on before anyone else, is rude to the gate agent if he can't get a business class upgrade and barks on his phone so we can all hear him and recognize how "important" or "powerful" he is.  I don't care what you status is - you need to be kind and respectful to the airline teams and shouldn't be rude to fellow passengers.  I mean really, does that really help you get anywhere?  I cannot even count lately how many times I have seen flight attendants tell passengers not just to turn their phones OFF but to hang up the call they felt they HAD to take as we are on the runway in line for take off.  REALLY??  Oh, I'm sorry, are you Alec Baldwin or the President or something?  I couldn't tell by your appearance that you were so super important you could risk the safety of us regular folk.  I have one thing to say to these jackwagons.